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Read the first two chapters of Owlwoman's
"Remember I Love You Dearly"
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REMEMBER, I LOVE YOU DEARLY
CHAPTER ONE
i knocked on the door and there was no answer. i went in and, oh, my god,
i already knew...i walked into the bedroom...it was too late. she lay across the
bed, eyes open...no, please...i hear screaming, screaming!!
I don't even
know where to begin any more. I suppose the best thing to do is to go back to
the day I met Samantha. I went to a psychic fair with Gregory, Professor of
Philosophy at our alma mater, Iowa State University. He is totally into
metaphysics, the study relating to a reality beyond what is perceptible to the
senses.
Greg has been
my best friend since grade school and I confide in him and trust him in nearly
everything relating to my work and my personal life. I guess I thought he was
crazy to bring me to a place like this, or maybe I thought I was crazy for
agreeing to open my life to a total stranger - a psychic, of all things. In
truth, I hit a wall with a personal problem and, for a licensed psychologist,
that is a ridiculous thing to admit.
"Greg, I feel
out of place here. What if one of my patients is here in this room doing the
same thing we're doing? What in the hell could I say to defend myself? I'm
supposed to have all the answers."
"Look, I come
to these things all the time. Remarkable energy is in this room. Tell me you
can't feel it in the air."
"I don't feel
anything, my man. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do."
"Well, all
you have to do is walk around the room, pass by each table and observe."
"Observe
what?"
"Just watch
how the psychics relate to their customers, how they handle the cards and their
body language. You can walk the room as many times as you have to until you stop
and think, ‘this is the one I want to talk with’. "
"Come on, you
have to be joking. They look like anyone on the street. None of them look
special...you know, weird."
"You expected
to see Gypsies? Come on."
We walked the
room, inhaling fragrant incense and getting caught up in the hypnotic Indian
recordings. I glanced quickly from face to face - slowing somewhat to catch a
word, a phrase, or a clue as to which reader would be the one. Twice around the
room, three times, and then - I stopped.
"Greg, I
think she is the one. She doesn't even use cards."
"Go for it.
I'm going down the hall for a lecture on hypnotherapy. I use that technique all
the time. One of these days, I'll try it on you!"
He smiled
mischievously as he turned away and headed for the door. I felt remarkably at
ease as I pulled out the plain metal folding chair and sat to face the table of
a woman I would come to know as Samantha. She had loosely curled shoulder-length
hair, the color of mahogany. There were fine lines at the corners of her
green-blue eyes as she smiled and extended her hand to welcome me into her
world. I guessed her to be close to my 46 years, or perhaps a few years younger,
and she was dressed rather conservatively except for the unusual feather and
crystal jewelry. Unusual from my standpoint, at least. For some reason, I felt
an immediate kinship with this woman that I didn't quite understand. Impossible,
I thought. This is all part of the game. I went to school for too many years to
be sucked into believing anyone could pull information out of thin air.
"My name is
Samantha. Will you please sign in?" I took the pen and wrote my name below at
least twenty others.
hmm,
lucrative little business here!
At
first I was tempted to make up a different name, but I didn't. I scribbled,
William, in my usual illegible hand.
She turned
the notebook slightly, read my name, and said, "William, the charge is $25 and
$5 more if you want a tape recording of this reading."
I reached for my wallet and produced the $30. I definitely wanted Greg to hear
this! I had removed my wedding ring in the lobby of the hotel before we came
into the room and slipped it into my pocket along with my Rolex. My khaki pants
and buttoned-down blue dress shirt would not give away any information about my
profession.
Samantha
pressed the recorder to the "on" position and took my hands in hers. I knew my
hands would be cool, because for some reason, they are always cool. She said
nothing about my hands at all. In fact, she said nothing. Her eyes were closed.
that's effective!
"William? Do
they call you William?"
"Yes. I was
thinking about putting down a fictitious name, but I changed my mind. I wanted
to trick you, because in truth, I am a bit skeptical."
"I would have
picked up on that. In fact, you do have an imagination, but along with that
imagination is a vision and a practicality to put that imagination to good use.
You are beneficial to others. You love people and you give help whenever needed.
You restore harmony and order in very individual ways. People respect you
because they realize you are fair and can be trusted.
"I see that
in some circumstances you can be inflexible, almost to the point of being
stubborn, and that causes you problems. I see you coming on strong but there is
another side of you that is cautious. You have impatience with people who act
irrationally because you want the best for them in life. I see extreme honesty.
I also see that you have difficulty talking about something that hurts you.
"You are
taking way too much responsibility in a relationship; you put up with too much.
Are you a married man?"
"Yes."
"There is a
difficulty there. I see two children."
"No, I only
have one."
"I am getting
two children. Is your child a boy?"
"Yes, but he
is twenty-seven and has a son of his own. My grandson, Nicholas, is six."
"You’re
taking over quite a lot of your wife's responsibility in the home and possibly
socially, right now. I don't see the situation improving for some time, possibly
as long as 6 months or more. Is your wife ill? I see a disturbance of some kind
in the energy field; there could be a hospitalization, but only for a short
period of time. Does your wife suffer from high blood pressure?"
"I don't
know."
"It would be
a good thing to have it checked. You can be a little stubborn at times but you
should not question this suggestion for your wife. I feel that you have a
charming curiosity. You put other people at ease and you get them to reveal
themselves to you. You want to know everything about everything. I see a
spiritual quality in you that will bring out the response of others. This is the
inner self of your personality and it feels as if you have help. Like a cosmic
helper. What is your occupation?"
"I am a
psychologist."
"Do you ever
work with children?"
"Some of the
patients referred to me are children, but not a lot."
"I see a
child behind you as you sit with me. The child has a connection with you and you
will become aware of him. Does the name James mean anything to you?"
"I know a lot
of people named James. Oh, my grandson’s middle name is James.”
"This will be
someone you will connect with spiritually. I feel you are seeking answers
to the point of becoming jittery, and your enormous amount of energy needs to be
focused. Perhaps you are seeking answers in the wrong places. The answers are
inside of you and you must pay more attention. Your own inner wisdom is wiser
for you than any book, any teacher, or any minister - when you listen to it. You
are coming to a clearing - if you remain quiet and ask."
"I don't
understand; who should I ask? "
"God. Just
sit quietly and ask. We have a higher self that I always think of as the Christ
within us. Ask that it be revealed to you and watch what happens. It is time for
you to be nicer to yourself, relax, meditate, put your problems into small
spaces and deal with them one by one.
"You may ask
any questions you wish." Samantha released my hands and watched me. I'm sure she
saw that I was bewildered.
"Oh, I didn't
know I could ask anything," I stammered. "I guess I'd have to say first that I
am totally surprised at how much you know about me. How do you do it?"
"I do not
make assumptions about you. I have a spirit guide. I am giving you only the
information I am receiving. And, when the information stops, there is no more
and it’s your turn to ask questions. My guide will tell us what the answers will
be."
"Well, this
is tough for me to ask. My wife…she has this drinking problem and I don't know
what I can do to make her stop. Can you help me at all with that? "
"What is her
name and her age and where is she now?"
"Julia. She's
a few months younger than I am, 46, and she's a teacher. I think she would be at
home now - at our house - this being Saturday, and all. I came here on my own
with a friend."
Samantha
turned her head away from me for a moment and dropped her gaze toward the floor.
Then she focused her attention back to me, but did not take my hands.
"She is
clearly troubled and I feel that you have worn yourself thin with your effort to
help her. She does not want any help; she will stop when she is ready; she is
not ready at this time."
"How much
time are we talking here? I am going crazy with my work, taking care of the
house, the shopping, and checking on Julia continually to make sure she doesn't
do anything foolish. And sometimes, on weekends, my son asks us to baby sit
Nicholas, but I have not been able to tell him the truth about his mother. I
just say OK, and then I have to figure out how to do that, too. I am a
psychologist, for God's sake, and I can't even get through to my own wife! Do
you know how that makes me feel?"
Samantha was
silent. Then, "You must take care of yourself. I see your family as a source of
help with this. You must ask for help at least until Julia starts to heal. Your
son is an adult. He will be all right with this. He will not be happy, but he
will be all right. This may take some time."
She was
silent again.
“Stop and
think before you demand that she stop drinking. Allow yourself quiet time to get
in touch with your inner soul. I see the strength you have. You have insight far
greater than you realize. You have the ability to see things that others do not
see. You will be developing that gift. You will use that gift to help others.
You have great things to accomplish and you have the power to do so. Do not
underestimate yourself. Are there any other questions?"
"That was my
only question, really, and my only reason for coming here today. I asked Greg to
take me with him when he came for a reading and that’s why I’m here with you.
You have given me good information; I know that."
Samantha
smiled. "It was very nice to have met you today, and please take one of my cards
with you."
"Thanks, I
will." I reached to the cardholder. Her first name was inscribed, but not her
last name, and other things were listed.
past-life regression, hypnotherapy.
"How long you
have been doing this work? It amazes me! I’ve never met anyone like you."
"Everyone in
this room does what I do. I was given this gift when I was eight years old and
this is how I make my living. I travel all over the United States helping people
just like you do, except that I can reach them on a higher level. I see your
potential in that respect also. It has always been there. You should not ignore
the power within you."
She smiled at me again, ejected my recorded cassette, and passed it to me across
the table. I had a strong feeling that I needed to stay longer, to hear more,
but as I shifted my weight to leave the chair, I noticed two more names beneath
mine on her notebook. She had kept my attention to the point of thinking no one
else was in the room, except the two of us.
...and one
exceptionally generous guide.
I nearly
jumped out of my skin - Greg was sitting on a chair behind me, within a few feet
of Samantha's table.
"Greg! You
startled me! Did you hear anything she told me?"
"No," he
replied, with a smile. "How did it go?"
"You won't
believe it. I can hardly believe it, myself. Can we play this tape on the way
back? You have to hear all the things she told me."
I stopped and
said, "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you ready to go or do you want to get a reading? Or,
maybe you want to go to another class, or buy something?"
"I'm ready if
you are. Want to stop for a burger?"
"Yah, fine,
but I want to run this tape for you. Let's drive around for a while before we
eat. I'm really excited about this! She gave me some help with Julia and she
said some things about me that I suspected for a long time. Wait till you hear
it! You know how I say things, and then later it happens? Well, get this...she
picked up on that, too."
"Doesn't
surprise me in the least. I always knew you were goofy! Don't look at me like
that. I'm kidding!"
We punched
each other as we headed for the door, and we laughed like children who had just
gotten away with something. We ran the length of the parking lot and piled into
Gregory's white custom van. I took the opportunity once again to berate him on
his choice of country western music as I ejected his tape and pushed in my
cassette. Anyone looking through the side windows as we drove west would have
thought I was out of my mind. I was literally bouncing in my seat.
"Listen to
that! Lets run it back; wait a minute, what did she say? Holy cow, she got me. I
have to improve on that one. Do I really seem that way to you?"
Lunch was as
upbeat as our review of the tape. I asked Gregory a lot of questions about his
psychic experiences and about his study of metaphysics. He answered all of them.
Then, on the drive home from the restaurant, he suggested I come to his house
the following Wednesday evening to sit in on meditation with a group of friends.
He said it would open my mind to another dimension of thought, and it would give
me a night free from my frustration with Julia. I agreed to the plan and told
him I was excited about learning how to meditate.
Greg dropped
me off about 3:00 p.m. and I entered to face Julia with a refreshed outlook on
our future. It was quiet, and the shades were drawn. I found her in front of the
television in the living room, a bottle of vodka wedged between the sofa arm and
her left thigh. She did not acknowledge me.
My usual
reaction to this was to raise my voice until she responded, which would start an
angry flurry of accusations. I felt more empowered and decided to try to accept
the fact that I could not change anything. I walked to her side and kissed her
gently on the side of her head, slightly brushing her straight blonde hair with
my lips. Maybe I expected a reaction, I don't know. There was nothing.
Sunday was a
re-run of every other Sunday with Julia. She slept until noon, headed blindly
for the coffeepot and a cigarette and padded back into her bedroom. She chose to
sleep in a room separate from mine. I missed her. I wished life could return to
the way it was, but I had to shoot for life with changes for the better. It
eluded me how she managed to function during the week as a teacher and come home
to smoke and drink until she passed out. She was thin and she’d become sloppy in
her choice of loose-fitting clothing after having been a stylish dresser. Her
light hair was graying, as was mine, but I wished she would consider having it
styled rather than string-straight and parted with red barrettes.
I started
dinner and put laundry in the washer. Julia was generally incapable of
functioning around the house and now refused to pick up her clothes as well, so
I resented laundry duty even more. I thought about leaving her things lay on the
floor until she totally ran out of underwear, but I couldn’t do that to her. I
knew I had to be patient and understanding even though it was becoming
increasingly difficult. I felt myself slipping into the same depression I found
manifested in my patients. I decided to speak to my son and daughter-in-law.
Samantha told me I would get support from them.
Dinnertime
came and went. Julia did not come to the kitchen. I didn’t know when or what she
ate any more. She did her usual trick of passing out on the couch and at 11:00 I
went into my room and closed the door. She usually managed to get to her room,
sleep it off and get to work on time the next morning. How many years could this
go on before her body broke down? Her spirit left her long ago.
CHAPTER TWO
My office
hours started mid-afternoon and ran until eight o'clock in the evening so that I
could see people after they left work. I sometimes blamed myself for Julia's
drinking problem.
if i
were at home with her more, things would be different.
But,
I felt that Samantha's reading was on track and it was up to Julia to make a
decision. Her visits to AA were unsuccessful the previous year. She simply did
not want to stop drinking.
I decided to
change my schedule to attend Greg's Wednesday meditation, and my secretary
handled it well. My last consultation would end by 6:30 p.m. on that day so I
could get to Greg's on time.
Then it was
Wednesday night and I was late. Peter Lee was upset with his supervisor, his
wife and his car. I had a difficult time getting him to understand my
suggestions for the following week. Finally, I got my jacket and his jacket and
we left the office together. When I walked up the steps to Greg's porch, I
realized I remembered nothing of the drive. My mind was on Samantha and I
wondered if it was foolish to think getting in touch with my inner soul would
make any sense to my scientifically structured mind. Greg opened the door and
greeted me with a smile, a handshake and of all things, a bear hug.
"You made it!
Come on in!"
I was
surprised at the number of people in the room. They ranged in age from about
twenty to sixty-five, male and female.
"This is my
friend, William," Greg said proudly. "We have been friends since we were
children and he knows more about me than I care to reveal."
I grinned and
nodded to everyone and with that, each of the guests approached and embraced me.
what's
with this?
Greg
saw the look on my face and laughed. "Hey, they do this all the time!"
There was a
chair for me between a heavy-set man named Rodney, and a girl named Marie, who
was close to my son's age. Greg lit several vanilla candles in the room and
asked Marilyn (30-ish) to turn off the light next to her.
i guess
we're starting.
We
were instructed by Greg to stand, hold hands, and form a circle of healing. He
asked that we close our eyes and follow along with him:
"We are
surrounded in the pure white light of God. Only good will come to us; only good
will go from us."
Then Greg
said, "Picture energy in the form of white light coming down into your crown
chakra. Now, add your own energy and send it out of your right hand to the next
person."
The energy
formed an unbroken chain and was contained within the circle. One by one, each
guest suggested someone to be placed in the healing circle and each gave a short
description of the pain or illness being suffered by that individual. Greg said
we were to picture the person, isolate the area of pain in our minds, and send
collective healing energy to that spot in the form of a white light. The entire
time we were to concentrate only on the specific task set before us. I was moved
by the intensity of the scene.
When it was
my turn, I said, "I'd like to put my wife, Julia, into the circle. She is 46
years old and has been suffering from alcoholism for several years. She is at
home now, probably in the living room on our blue couch."
Greg said,
"Let's all picture Julia. Bring a bright, white light over the top of her head,
down over her crown chakra, over her shoulders, down around her arms and solar
plexus, over her abdomen, over her hips, down her legs and wrap it around and
under her feet. Let us hold it there for a few minutes. She is feeling the
healing energy. Now, picture in your mind a shower of pink hearts floating down
around her."
I held my
eyes tightly closed and tears began to roll from the corners. We were silent.
And then Greg
said, "Next."
We spent
sufficient time with each healing and returned quietly to our seats.
i feel
so good about this...i wish i knew whether or not julia can feel
something...these are good people.
It
was quiet in the room. Everyone seemed at peace. Greg moved to his tape deck and
inserted a cassette. He returned to his place and asked us to sit comfortably,
close our eyes, and place palms up on our laps to "receive."
receive? receive what?
The
recording was New Dance, original music composed for the Native American Lakota
Indian flute by Bradford Smith. Greg told us he was going to suggest a relaxing
technique. We were to concentrate on his voice until we had entered into a
totally relaxed state. At that time, we would be open to receive messages from
our guides.
ok. i
can do this.
"Relax your body completely and imagine yourself at the seashore. See the waves
washing onto the white sand. You are walking along the beach and you see
footprints taking you back in time, seeking the level you need to achieve to do
your work tonight. For those of you who are here for the first time, create a
place that is peaceful and quiet. Get to know the entire area, inside and
outside, so that you can return to this place each time. Your guide will meet
you there. For the rest of you, enjoy your journey and I will count you back up
when it is time to return."
i see
nothing but blackness. now i see a little light coming in. i’ll picture myself
under a large oak tree. it is summer and the tree is bountiful. the tree is in a
grassy area in the middle of nothing, and i’m sitting there, holding my knees,
looking around. i’m putting in an ocean now and it is many colors of blue. now
it's dark. it's as if someone has pulled a black screen in front of my eyes. i
see the outline of a face. it's the profile of a man. it scares me. i don't know
what to do. the profile is drifting slowly toward me and now it is moving off to
the right and out of my vision. i want it to stay and turn and look at me; i
want to see who it is, but I can't. it's dark again. i see another profile
coming toward me and it appears to be the face of a woman. it's moving closer to
me and now it is starting to drift to the side. please turn toward me so i can
see who you are. i want to see your face. you won't turn. i want more, but there
is no more. there's only blackness. i can hear greg telling us to come back...
"I'm
going to ask you to start coming back now," said Greg softly. "Say good-by to
your guides and begin to return slowly. You will remember what you saw and what
you heard. I will begin to count backward from five. ...5, 4, 3, 2, 1. You are
coming back now, and you are feeling awake and alert."
i don't
think i want to wake up yet. i'm in such a state of relaxation. why was there no
guide in my meditation? a guide could have helped me; a guide could have given
me answers.
We
had been meditating for about fifteen minutes. I opened my eyes and the other
guests were moving around in their chairs, trying to get back to reality. I
realized that two of the women had moved to the floor with couch pillows during
their meditation. Greg looked as if he had been down with us. His eyes looked
very tired. Several people left the room to get drinks or use the bathroom. Two
people went out on the porch to smoke. I could not move. I was mesmerized. This
was old stuff to them; this was monumental for me. What in the world was going
on in my subconscious? Who were those faces in my mind? Did I do what everyone
else did?
Greg was
bombarded with questions almost immediately and, when he was free, he walked
over to my chair.
"Well, how
did you do?"
"I can't
believe it, Greg. I actually saw some stuff!"
"Great! Some
people come here and don't see anything for weeks. When everybody gets back from
a break, we'll take turns telling what we saw."
And he was
off to get a soda in the kitchen. I followed him.
"Greg,
where's Sandra? Doesn't she do this with you?"
"No. There
are some couples with the same psychic interests, but nobody here tonight is a
couple. "
"Really? That
surprises me."
"It is pretty
consistent. One of the two is interested and the other is scoffing or worse yet,
condemning. We walk in the light, not the darkness, and we are free to make
choices. There may be an older couple of retirement age who go everywhere
together, so they try this. And there are some people who are hoping to
eventually meet a significant other who will be a partner in healing. You put
Julia in the healing circle tonight. It was a good thing to do."
"It was
wonderful, Greg. I had no idea. The group is strong and I feel very good about
being a part of it. Each person is sincere; each person has someone he wants to
help. How did you form this group?"
"I don't
really know. They all sort of fell in the door, one by one. Someone knew someone
who had been here before, or someone brought a friend who knew he had something
special. All of them have had premonitions or have had coincidences that could
not otherwise be explained. They all feel things that others cannot. They have
the gift and they want to share it and help people. Some are stronger than
others. You should come back often - heck, come back every week!"
"I'll
consider it, Greg. If nothing else, I want to strengthen myself and then try to
help Julia. I want to learn alternatives because my psychology is out the
window. Nothing I say makes a difference. You heard the tape. Samantha is right.
And deep inside, I know it too. Julia has to make the decision to stop; she has
to decide when that will be."
"And she
will. I'll support you in any way I can, William. You can call me at home or at
work any time."
"Thanks."
"I see the
group is back. Let's go share our meditations with them. I’m particularly
interested in yours."
The stories
were beyond anything I’d imagined. There were bears, wolves and Indians who
acted as guides and gave answers to their questions.
i'll
have to ask greg why i didn't see a guide. i guess i'm not ready for that.
Some
traveled to far-away lands; others saw themselves on ships at sea. One woman
walked with the spirit of an angel, describing the white wings that wrapped
around her, leaving her warm and secure. A young girl saw a horse running along
side of her, and I had the urge to tell her that a deer was going to run in
front of her car.
just
because i think about it doesn't mean it will happen. i can't tell her such a
thing.
The
older gentleman, Larry, said that his guide was a young boy who always appeared
and showed him things. The things he showed did not make sense to Larry and we
all tried to give them meaning. He looked bewildered and stopped his story
abruptly, frustrated that it was nothing he could understand.
wait until it's my turn. no one will be able to interpret mine, either.
Then it was
my turn. I was so excited and everyone was astonished that I got something on
the first try. They loved my profile images! One of the men suggested the female
image might have indicated Julia, who cannot face me. Now that was reaching just
a bit. Julia was alive and well and couldn't possibly be showing up in my
meditations.
or,
does it mean that the spirits are aware and are showing me it is understood? i
wonder if we interpret our subconscious thoughts in the direction we choose?
When
all the stories had been shared, the group broke up and stood in the center of
the room for another few minutes of sharing with each other. In some cases,
there were words of encouragement for relatives and friends who had been put
into the healing circle. In other cases, it was a friendly hug and a wish for a
good week. Everyone I spoke to encouraged me to return again as soon as my
schedule would allow.
I hung around
until everyone had gone and thanked Greg for inviting me. He reassured me that
what we learn through meditation has meaning just for the individual and
sometimes it is not clear. He said our life path is pre-set at birth and hinges
on our past lives.
"I'm not
going to begin to ask you about that statement. I'll call you soon. I have to go
home and check on Julia. I hope she felt something positive tonight."
"She did, but
she didn’t recognize it for what it was. We have a lot of work to do together
and she’ll come around in time. Call me when you need to talk about it."
I don't live
far from Greg's house, and I was home in less than ten minutes. The lights were
out and Julia had gone to bed. She didn’t even care to know that I was all
right. It would never have crossed her mind to worry about me. Nothing ever got
through to her when she was drinking.
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